Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
