Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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