We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
