i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
