i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
