You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
