I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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