so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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