I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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