o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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