Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
