True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
