I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker