I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.