Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
