I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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