I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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