why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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