we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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