he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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