Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
