I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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