Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
