yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Let's get the cat blown out
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
