My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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