the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
