There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
