Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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