Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
