a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Found the puke drawer
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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