I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
