Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
