dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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