I just pynch a tree in the face
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
