dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
