Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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