Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
i think i just lost a toe
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