Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
