Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
