omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
