Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
