Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
