Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
