her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
