You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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