Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
