So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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