omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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