Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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