Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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