you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
