dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm like, not good at living.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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