I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
