I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
