I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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