Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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