i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
