True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize